Significant Running Episodes - Part 1

I am not a runner. I have not yet accepted the fact that I will never be a runner. I see people jogging along the street/on the beach/around the park and I really feel I could be part of that. They're so fit! Being fit feels awesome! I should be fit like that! For a moment, my lifetime of shattered running expectations vanishes and I feel I could totally become a fit, toned person like them.

This is a mistake. 

AND this has been the cause of all my running related humiliations. I honestly think that something in my brain tells me that running is easy. Toddlers can run. It is a skill we learn early, like walking, and should therefore be equally as simple. This is not how things have turned out for me. In fact, for me to be successful in the running department I need to trick my brain into believing that I'm not running. 


The delusions I need in order to mask the fact that I am running.
1. I am not running; I am playing netball/soccer/hockey/lacrosse/european handball
 This is the most successful option and usually results in my brain thinking instead about how much fun I am having. April Fool!!

2. I am not running; I am defending my goal/teammate/fortress
This is closely related to delusion number 1 but is bursting with determination and stubbornness. This kind of delusion will force me to keep running even when I really should stop because: a) I am about to collapse or b) everybody else is over it already.

3. I am not running; I am going to catch that ball come hell or high water (where does that phrase come from?)
This works because I'm not looking at my legs. I've got my eyes on the prize.


4. I am not running; I am excited to swim in the ocean/see you/be at this concert
This kind of running is generally interspersed with jumping up and down, which interrupts the flow of the run and thus distracts me from the running.

5. I am not running; I am chasing you/beating you/winning!
This is a fairly tenuous choice as the moment I cease to be winning it ceases to function.

6. I am not running; I am being chased by a child/husband/serial killer/killer goose
 Has not been thoroughly tested.


Any failure to select and utilise one of these delusions results in great inner torment. As evidenced by this, what I like to call, 'significant running episode'.


Episode 1: Little Athletics
This needs a little background. I am the youngest of four girls by a lot. Between me and my eldest sister is 11 years, then 9 years, then 7 years. You may have noticed how evenly and systematically my sisters were produced before I came along and messed it up. This evenness meant that they went through a lot of their growing up together, including childhood activities, while I was more or less fending for myself. My older sisters all did Little Athletics. They all loved Little Athletics. They all had some degree of success with Little Athletics. I remember being dragged to athletics carnivals in my pjs and dressing gown when I was very small. This was vey exciting as I usually got a sausage roll. After bedtime. 
Once I came 'of age' (in my family, this means the age you can start Little Athletics) my mother signed me up, despite my protests.

I knew at this point that mum was firmly committed to sending me to Little Athletics. I had also grasped that this was largely because sending me to Little Athletics with my sisters would be very convenient for her but that she was trying to make it sound like it would be fun. I knew what she was up to. She was not going to win. She even tried to bribe me with the promise that in a year, I would be allowed to wear the proper athletics UNIFORM. Nice try mum.


She sent me to Little A's. While I was there, I had something of an epiphany.

My mum picked me up. She asked how I went. 

And that's why I only went to Little Athletics once. My mum still sighs if anybody reminds her of this story. And I still don't understand the point of running round in circles if nobody is chasing you.


I googled 'running is not fun' and I found a link to 'Helpful Hints for Making Running Fun'. Let me share with you.

First, you want to figure out what is keeping you from working out on a regular basis right now. Is it because you think running is not fun? Is it because you think running can be way too hard? Whatever your reason is for not liking to run, you need to work on changing that. Get out the door on a regular basis and get to work. 

Well, I guess that's problem solved then. I just need to change my opinion of how fun running is. Then I will find running more fun. It goes on to say that if you just think running is not fun, to take an mp3 or run with someone. I'm not convinced as I didn't find either of those things on my list of acceptable delusions.

Next time: Cross Country Glory